I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
