why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
