The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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