Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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