oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
