remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
