I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
