I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
