Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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