Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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