So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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