I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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