I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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