The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
