i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
