I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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