some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
try to milk me bitch
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