you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
there's paper in my vomit.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
