dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
