I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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