A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
