no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
