My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
