any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So many bounce houses so little time
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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