Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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