So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
