On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
