literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
