just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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