i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
