There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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