We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
