it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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