He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
