All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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