ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
