Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
