That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
