Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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