Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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