I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
