i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
barbara walters just said penis...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
tell me about the fingering
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