Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
