I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
