Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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