As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
