he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
