my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
