im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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