At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
